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In this interview, negotiations expert and author Doug Stone describes the ways in which difficult conversations threaten our identity. We all view ourselves a certain way, he says: 'I'm a hard worker' or 'I'm a caring boss' - and the conversations that feel the most difficult for us are the ones that have the potential to threaten that self image. He shows that we make some systematic thinking errors when we are deciding whether to avoid or raise an issue with someone: we tend to focus on the costs of raising the issue and the benefits of avoiding it, but we don't think about the benefits of raising it and the costs of avoiding it. He goes on to describe how to reap these benefits via 'learning conversations', provides tools for dealing with difficult conversations, and advises on the best way to deliver difficult messages.